I Don't Know What I'm Doing With My Life
Newsflash- we don't know what we're doing in this picture, either.
I've always thought that Sundays were meant for relaxation, reflection, and the chance to really prepare for the upcoming week. Call me crazy, but I'm an avid planner and I love getting organized. I thrive on cultivating my week, scheduling out my days, and knowing what to expect. But this week, and today, I've been a little thrown off. Maybe it was the fact that I celebrated my birthday yesterday (halfway to 40-woo!), or maybe it's the Sunday Scaries getting the best of me, but I woke up terrified this morning. It really hit me- I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
Hell, I don't even know what I'm doing with this blog! I'm ridiculously unprepared for life, no matter how many activities and meetings I pencil into my planner. I somehow managed to accidentally be able to graduate this upcoming spring, and I wake up each day with a sense of impending doom. Maybe I'm being overdramatic- or as my friends would say, 'extra'- but honestly, aren't I too young to do this whole "adulting" thing? I'm only recently 20, which means that I'll graduate college without being able to legally pop a bottle of champagne at my grad party. And while I'm upset that I won't be getting my infamous '21' t shirt from Tiger Town Tavern, the drinking age issue isn't the only thing I'm worried about.
Assuming that I land a job after college, will my future employer take me seriously? Or will he/she take one look at my resume, laugh, and tell me to go gain some real world experience? Will I be qualified for a career after just 3 short years of higher education? I don't really feel like I've learned enough about a subject, let alone myself, to dive into a career right away.
The other option is to go to Graduate school and get a Master's degree. But in what? I don't necessarily want to pursue clinical psychology, which is what I'm majoring in. I recently fell in love with Public Relations and Marketing, but do I have the skills to chase after that or will I make a fool of myself?
I could 'travel for a year', as many people have suggested. But- with what money? With who? Would I pursue this journey alone? Is that even safe? Where would I go? Even if I took a gap year, would I gain any insight in doing so, or would I just prolong my debut into the 'real world'?
What even is the 'real world'?
Am I just scared, or are these genuine concerns that I should consider?
People keep congratulating me on my hard work on finishing college in 3 years, and I smile and politely say thank you, but on the inside I'm dying to know the answers to all of my questions. It boils down to the fact that I am scared of failure. I don't want to disappoint myself or my peers.
I admire those who have it all figured out. But sometimes I wonder... do they even really know what their future holds?
Are we all just putting on a brave face for the world by trying to plan our futures? Sure, we can write down due dates and deadlines, meetings and party times, but do any of us actually know what we are doing with our lives? I'm beginning to think I'm not alone in this struggle. We can't plan for something that we are uncertain of, and even if we are certain, there is no guarantee that anything we plan for will actually happen. And that idea alone is sort of liberating. I don't know what I'm doing with my life- and I'm okay with that.
So to all my fellow college students out there, to all the new parents, the high school kids, the unemployed, the insanely successful, the happy, the sad, the people who are wondering what to make of themselves: It is okay not to know.
I'm beginning to find comfort in the unknown. How amazing is it that we can wake up and not know what will happen? You could meet the love of your life today, or land your dream job. You could make someone laugh so hard they cry, or pet the cutest puppy you've ever laid eyes on. You could spend an afternoon writing a blog post that helped calm your nerves about the future, and you could face your fears and publish it on the internet.
I may not know what I'm doing, but neither does anyone else. Those who think they have their whole lives planned out are those who will fail to adapt to change when it inevitably happens.
As always, feel free to reach out to me in regards to this post, any previous post, or just to say hi.